For those that know me, you know my life is an open book- I do what I please, say what I please and if you don't like it, then by all means you don't have to. I guess I should rephrase that to "5 minutes after meeting me you realize I am an open book......"
This blog is not only my professional outlet, but also my friend. I feel like I am Anne Frank minus Amsterdam and the Nazi's; and I don't mean that in a sick or condescending way either. Trying to have a child and being "broken" is like being shoved in a room with no light, in silence- something so easy, and what I feel is a "right" as a woman has literally been taken away from me- and this is where I am turning to my blog for an outlet.
This post is about me, my life and my current childless situation. If you don't care to read about this, please stop now and ignore this post.
Sometimes people tell me I am the queen of "TMI" but I seriously don't care- my theory is that EVERYONE has some kind of issue- no matter what the problem- we always find ourselves googling stuff, just to see if we are "not alone" in what we are dealing with. Hell, I do it all the time. But I think that if we, as humans would open up more and discuss topics that might have been "TABOO" in the past, then the more we can relate to what other people are going thru, and the less therapy and googling we will need to do. So here I go.
I met my husband when I was 16 years old. I was a Junior in high school and he was 18 and out of school already. I had had "boyfriends" before, but no one ever made my heart jump like him. It was really, really weird. I knew how much I really loved him after he broke up with me- my heart felt like it was crushed into a zillion pieces. We dated on and off for years, and then there was a span of time where I didn't see him at all. Every single guy I dated after we broke up-before the gap of time- all I could think about was the love of my life. I knew, and I still know now that no one would ever compare to him. In fact, here we are, married almost 3 years now at the age of 31, and I can still say that I love him more today than the day I married him. I may have choice names for him, he may piss me off to no end some days, and other days I don't even want to be around him, but every day when he is gone at work, I miss him every minute. When I am here in my office editing and he comes home from work- as soon as I hear the door open my heart skips a beat. I really hope this feeling is a feeling you will have with your spouse for the rest of your life. It is surely awesome.
At the age of 16, I would always write my first name with his last name, dream about our modern wedding with vegetable corsages like Kelli and Brandon from 90210; and how I was going to wear the most perfectly tight lace wedding gown. Of course, I always dreamed about what our children would look like- if they would have my shitty skin and his big nose. Not that I ever cared- I just wondered.
Once I became "Mrs. Williams" officially, my first thought was how I couldn't wait to get pregnant with his kid. I always told everyone "we plan on having kids no later than 30." What I think people don't realize, however is that you can plan all you want. Mother Nature might have something completely different in store for you.
We have officially been trying to have a baby for almost 36 months. What should take less than 10 months to accomplish, still we cannot achieve. The hardest part about this journey is knowing you are "broken." After months of tests, fertility drugs and a ton of money spent, I finally found out in March my fate- I have stage 4 Endometriosis. The final verdict? I will never be able to have a child on my own.
If you have never been thru it- I don't ever wish this upon anyone. I have finally come to except what God has thrown my way (I am know thankful for my years of private school education) and life goes on. But let me tell you, the devastation I feel will never, ever go away. All of a sudden you see pregnant people everywhere and you get what feels like 100 invitations to baby showers. You get pissed, sad, then pissed again. Having a baby is what society, for ages has deemed a "right." Being told you can never fulfill your dream of a child is probably the worst thing I have ever had to deal with in my life- right next to dealing with the death of my Sister when I was 27.
For the first three years of trying, I tried like mad to plan around my "busiest wedding season time" and after three years, I am to the point where I just want to have a healthy baby- no matter what time of year. My life and my health has to come first.
After many fertility visits and even more testing, we are starting InVitro this week. Google it to learn more about it- it is truly an art. But I am scared and excited at the same time. The success rate at my age is only 45%. The cost for one try is nearly $11,000. It is an extensive procedure, yet extremely interesting to go thru. And, as a matter of fact, just that my husband has to give me nightly injections of stimulants really has brought us to a new level as husband and wife. I can only imagine that he is as devastated over this situation as I am.
We have been busy doing our homework, and just became certified as Foster parents. If the InVitro doesn't work (and maybe even if it does!) we plan on becoming foster parents and possibly adopting a child.
Please keep us in your thoughts- and have compassion for those around you that you my know who are dealing with this same issue.. This isn't something that has taken over my life, but it is something I want so badly. I just want to be a mom.
DID YOU KNOW?
- Fertility rates in women drop dramatically after the age of 32
- Each round of InVitro run approx. $11,000 and must be paid up front
- International adoption of an infants starts at about $20,000
- Domestic (USA) adoption of an infant starts at about $25,000
- Becoming a Foster Parent is Free
- Sometimes you are given the option to adopt the Foster child in your home. The fee is approx. $1000 for lawyer costs.
